Alright. Here is the skinny. I am blind, not physically but mentally I think. I always over analyz things and over think things. I tend to focus on what COULD potentially go wrong instead of what IS going right. I want my life to be just so and when things interfere with my plans I freak. I actually don't even have "plans" I guess you could say. I just try to live day to day. But, I know I should be living everyday for God. That is a thing I am still trying to grasp and do. I have a past and it haunts me everyday. Every damn day. I know God forgives, I know my parents forgave me. I know that no one hates me. I know that I'm not being judged and that I am still loved. But, yet I still feel this sort of pull on me. Like, I'm not good enoug. Like, I made mistakes and people remember them and think less of me. I just don't understand. The other day my gramma and mom and I did our annual Christmas shopping (without Connie and Tess) and we had sooooooooooooo much fun. It was a huge blast. I felt like I was with my bestfriends. It was great. It was the most fun I've had in a very, very, very long time. When we were driving home I just kept thinking usually me and mom get out of the car and gramma leaves. This year it was mom just gets out of the car, and leaves. I wish with all my heart that I would have never rebelled sometimes. I could still be living with my parents. I wouldn't feel these un-worthy feelings. On the other hand I am so gratefull for that rebellious stage. Even though it hurt me and my family we are so much closer now. I actually tell my mom things and talk to her. Like I told her about Dillon, and the people at work who want to party with me, I even told her about James. I knew she wouldn't approve but I don't want to live with secrets like before so I told her. I would have never in one hundred years have done that before. I just wouldn't have told her so she wouldn't ask questions and get all worried, and then I'd get pissed, and we'd fight and then I'd get in trouble. This way she knows what is going on and I have to be honest. A life full of lies and deciet is so hectic. I did it for a long time, it gets tiring and old after a while.
Anyways, back to being blind. I don't know why I always feel un-worthy. I grew up with a loving father. I was always told I was beautiful...but for some reason I don't believe it. My past relationships really haunt me. One boy molded my mindset. Travis. Growing up with him, and always "loving" him was un-healthy. He was always so mean, he played games with me. He knew how I felt about him and he used that against me. I was hurt day after day. He told me I was stupid, and he always told me I would never be able to do things, like pass tests, or play good in basketball games, or even pass my drivers test. Who was he to say those things to me? But, yet my young, impressionable mind believed every word he said. I started to believe those things were true and day after day I would strive to impress him. To get a smile out of him, or an encouraging word. It was very rare but I remember the times he was "nice" to me. I remember all of them. I can basically count them on one hand. That is sad. But, I let him control me. So, in relationships I tend to think like that. I always dismiss bad things guys do and think everything is okay. I treasure the good times so much the bad just disappear. I let them walk all over me, and I never feel truly beautiful. But, on the other hand...here is why I think I am blind.
I always have boys in my life. Always. I look back at the past year to today and there wasn't a time where I wasn't in a "relationship", having a thing, or a guy would really like me and I'd like him. I think back to Ryan, Andy, Zach, Aaron, Austin, Kevin, Dillon, Tyler, Brock, Peter, all sorts of them. Some guys I'd like back, and others just liked me. But, it is always like that. There is some guy who likes me. I like some guy. I have a thing, or we flirt a lot. I mean why would people at work always make fun of me about guys who ask for my number. That doesn't happen to everyone. I know I'm attractive and nice but I gues I, in my heart, can't believe it. I want to be treated well and I want a good boy friend but I settle for whatever comes my way just to feel "loved". Its sad but true.
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