The pull of good and evil

Okay, I just want to sit here and blog about my father. I know it seems like I have some obsession with him, and maybe I do. I'm not sure. I have always been a daddy's girl. I love him so much. Like, I hate dissapointing my dad. I always want his approval. Any football team he likes, I like. Music he likes I like too. I just want to be like him I guess. Actually I want to marry someone like my dad. He is an amazing person. I mean who grows up without parents, does tons of drugs, parties, has a kid before graduating and rises above? The majority of people donot. My father did! He graduating, went to school, worked to support my mom and me...he changed his whole lifestyle. That is hard but he did it! He gave up his crazy life for me I guess you could say. Sometimes I feel like a mistake child. Like, my parents didn't want to get pregnant so I'm their mistake. They HAD to take care of me. I guess they didn't really have to. My mom could of had an abortion. They could of given me up for adoption. Yet, they chose to keep me. I'm grateful. Sometimes I think how different my life would be if they weren't my parents. I would be a totally different person! My dad wasn't raised a Christian, but now he is a strong Christian. I have seen my dad grow so much in his relationship with God so much, even this past year. He goes to mens Bible study, he gets up and reads the Bible in the morning, when he prays it sounds different and heartful. He is a strong man. Now, I know my dad isn't perfect. I know that he has emotional issues, and stuff but I respect him even more for that.
Having your parents die like they did must have been traumatic. I would be devestated. But, he overcomes that everyday! I know he and my mom argue a lot, and he can get so crabby and mean but he's human. I love him very much.

And, That hardest part of getting asked to leave my house because well...frankly I made out with guys, I got fingered, I gave blowjobs, I snuck out of Church, I didn't let my parents into my life, I was sneaky, I technically had sex. I became someone I never thought I would be. I let myself wallow in my mistakes and shortcomings. I let my circumstances define who I was. I thought well, I'm not measuring up, I never will so I'm going to give up. When I left God, and tried living on my own look what I did! I started hooking up with guys. I mean I'm not against fooling around with guys, its just strange that when I was doing rocky with God and struggling with my faith that these boys walked into my life. I was doing good in the beginning of the year. I was on fire for God, I was determine to do good. I was excited for Bible study (D-group) and Youth Group. I was happy to be singing on Worship Team and playing piano for yg and Sunday Church. I wanted to take part in volunteering. I wanted to write letters for compassion, I wanted to set an example for the younger kids. I wanted to counsel younger kids. I wanted to be good. I didn't want to drink, or smoke, and doing stuff with guys wasn't even on my mind. But, when I started doing the Bible study "Crazy Love" and felt so convicted I started to falter. And, then when I started hooking up with Ryan again, and eventually met Zach and really hooked up hardcore with him all the time is when I started feeling guilty. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I was doing bad with God. So, naturally I walked away from God. I let anything go. I mean, dont get me wrong. I was having a blast. Everything I did I wanted to do. I wanted to hook up. I liked it. I still do. I guess I'm just human.

Satan is so convincing! I mean I knew what I was doing was wrong, I was guilty...I wanted to tell someone so bad. So I told my friends. Wow, what help they were. I really wanted to tell my parents so bad. I got close to telling my dad one time but I knew how upset they would be. I didn't want to deal with that, and when they found out BAM it was terrible. I was shocked. They were shocked. I had been done hooking up with Zach for a while by the time they found out and I was batteling with myself to move on, to give that up. I was doing better and for them it was new news. It was terrible. I really let my parents down. Especially my dad. I mean, whose father wants to find out that their daughter gives wicked blow jobs? Or has been fingered? Or had sex? Not mine. Especially not mine! God has been working in me. He's shown me that what I was doing was wrong. He really convicts me now. Like I know I shouldnt even talk to Zach and yet I try. I'm stupid. I liked what we had. He made me feel good. Physically and Mentally. I really want someone to love me and tell me Im beautiful. Like, I want to belong to someone so bad. But, I know that I don't want a guy who drinks, parties, smokes, cheats, steals, does drugs, all that. I want a good, strong, Christian guy. Why am I so attracted to losers and why do they like me? I know I'm attractive. I'm not going to pretend that I'm not. I have a nice ass, I'm pretty, and I'm really easy to talk to and get along with. I am "one of the guys" I've been told. I can laugh at guy's crude jokes, I can be cute and girly without being annoying. Its really easy to play up being ditsy yet smart. I'm good at it. Lots of smiling and laughing. But yes...I gave up and gave into sin. I was good at it so it felt "right". Whatever that means. But now I am growing up. I'm done with that I guess. My only fear is that if a guy walks into my life and is like Zach I'll do it all over again. Heck I know I will. I want to. I miss it. Like I want to hook up with guys just not have sex. That is my line. -sigh- whether that is wrong or right I don't know. I guess its wrong because we aren't supposed to do imoral sexual things. and we are supposed to think about whatever is true, lovely, and right. Who knows I think its different for each person.

So after explaining all that...it was my dad's bday last week. I made him some collage with all these things on it. They all stoood for something that he means to me or things hes done for me. Then I wrote him a letter saying how much I loved him, and how hard it is letting your father down. I wanted to reassure him that he is the best father anyone could ever ask for. I thanked him for his love and told him he was my hero. It made him cry I'm pretty sure. He said he's going to respond, so I'm hoping he's going to write me a letter back!!!! I'm SO excited. I am working on not being so easy going because guys take that as easy. I'm not easy I just love fun wich gets me into trouble. But yes...this blog is long....and the main point? I AM CHANGING. I'm still not perfect but I like where I am. Feeling this pull of good and evil is good!