Generalizing.

Tonight I watched shows about losing weight. Every time I think about losing weight, or hear stories I think I need to lose weight. I have never been anorexic or anything but I sometimes get obsessed with the idea of losing weight. I want to be fit. I know that I am not fat. I know that am fine the way I am, but I weight 150. That seems like so much. Its almost 200! I want to weigh in the 120s. I know that I am really tall, I have a big, nice, bubble butt, and I have a curvy shape. I can't weigh a little amount it wouldn't make sense. During my Junior year of highschool I was very healthy. I ate yogurt and granola, lots of fruit, little portions, no candy, no soda, and I made lots of healthy smoothies. I'm not sure what changed but I fell back into old habits. I started eating lots of candy and drinking soda again. I know I'm skinny and guys like me so I don't really worry about my weight that much. But, I long to be fit and trim. I want to be toned! I want nice muscles. I want arms that don't have flab. I want a tight ass. I want thighs that aren't soft. I want muscular thighs, a tight ass, and abs. I know I can get them. I need to start eating better. I need to stop eating so much sugar. I know that people associate me with candy. Jasmine loves candy. I mean I always have some with me. Jelly Bellys, Starburts, Skittles, you name it. I always have something with me. So I just started eating a lot of it and always having it to please others I guess. I also work at Burger King so its hard not to drink soda and eat the food. Its free so why not? I guess its a bad habit I need to be strong and not give in!

I've been really struggling with feeling ugly latley. I feel like I intimidate  guys. They never tell me I'm pretty or beautiful. Some do. The ones that really know me do. Its like guys who kinda know me just say crude things about me and to me. They don't know how to approach me my gma says. She says I'm so pretty they feel dumb like they'll say the wrong thing! Its not true. I am one of the easiest people to please and get a long with. I am also  feeling really down because the guy I like...Tyler...doesn't seem to notice me very much. Jeeze the only reason I look cute at work is for him. I want him to tell me I'm pretty and that he like me. THAT is what I want. It would make me so happy.