It has been a very long time since the last time I posted anything. I suppose you could say I have been afraid to actually put any of my thoughts, feelings, or fears into actual physical evidence. I do not have any close friends. No one to talk to about things that worry me, events in life that cause stress, or situations of joy. I really don't share my emotions, feelings, or thoughts with any one. I used to be such a people person; when I say people person I mean someone who enjoys people and spending time with people. At this point in my life I do not even like leaving my home. Going out to a friends house or getting together for lunch with an old friend is a terrifying thing for me. Sounds odd but its true. Its not like I'm scared to do things, because when I force myself out of my comfort zone and do things with people I am friendly and have a good time.
I have used my apperance to shape who I am. I look some what unorthodox and uncanny but I enjoy that. I love being different from everyone else. Adding my own flavor to life is something I really enjoy. I shaved the side of my head to shock people. I've always had long, curly, blonde hair that people compliment. I in the spur of the moment decided to shave the side of my head, inspired by Elli Goulding. I love having my hair styled like this. I chopped myself straight bangs. They do not look to bad but they need to be fixed I know that much. I always am switching up my apperance and hair. I tend to get bored with one style or color for too long, but I always loop back to blonde. Trying red again was a good and bad choice. I enjoy the red hair but it faded so fast and now looks terrible. I am having my hair stylist do my hair before my birthday so it will look professional again. I'm going to have her dye the bottom part dark brown and weave dark brown, a greyish brown, and blonde into my hair with highlights. We can utilize the red that is already in there. Hopefully this time I will be satisfied. The last time I got my hair done I loved it but it wasn't what I had imagined. Getting hair done professionally is so expensive but I love perfectly styled hair. I really do. I kind of hold my hair as one of my prized features. It can be straight, or curly, or wavy, or beachy, its very versitile and I enjoy that quite a bit.
Another way I have shaped myself with my apperance is through my piercings. Some people don't like piercings. Some people say less is more. I tend to really enjoy my piercings. By getting them it is just another way that I make myself look un-ordinary and I guess a lack of a better term, strange. I have been called "the crazy bitch" enough times to know that people view me as someone who is a little off in the head. It bothers me sometimes, not all the time but it still gets to me. I'm a person who is depressed. I battle depression like someone would battle a cold. Its an illness that drags me down constantly. Some days are easier than others and some days its not an issue at all. But, it has been passed down from my grandmother to my mother to me. I take medication for it...when I remember to, I'm not so bad at remembering but I do forget sometimes. I also see Erin, my counselor. I haven't seen her for I guess its 2 months now. I should really make an appointment. It helps to talk to some one who is unrelated to my issues. I can be 100% honest with her and not worry about what she thinks or who she is going to tell. I'm...well my parents, are paying her to listen to me and talk with me. She does help I just don't like driving there on my days off. I only get weekends off now.
I got a new job as a temp at Travel Guard selling travel insurance. I answer travel agents questions along with random people who are traveling also. I edit policies, and set policies up and set up quotes. Its pretty exciting. The days are slow so far. With quite a bit of time inbetween calls. At Lands End it was call back to back to back. I like travel guard better because there is a larger variety of calls coming in. I never know what the caller is going to need me to assist them with. At LE it was always the same reason a caller would call and it got very old and boring!
Other than working, sleeping, and laying around being moody I havn't done much. It was the 4th of July yesterday. I felt like shit and was tired all day. I went to my parent's house for dinner and we had grilled chicken and pineapple kabobs on the grill over rice. It was very good. I always have a good time at my parent's house. We had a bonfire and the boys set off some fireworks for us. It was fun but I've been so tired lately everything exhausts me it seems. I left their house slightly depressed. My family is going on a road trip to South Dakota and are doing all sorts of fun things. When I was younger we never did anything like that. That is not why I am depressed though. I'm not jealouse of money or that they have more opportunities now. Thats how it goes. The oldest kid has the harder life because the parents are young, and poor and have no clue what they are doing. Now with my brothers they are stable and have money and can do so much more. Thats just how life is so I'm fine with that. I guess I just get depressed when I know they are on family trips and I'm not invited or there. I know when you grow up you leave home and make a life of your own but I don't have children or this life of my own. I have a boyfriend and a job. I dont do much of anything at all. Life is strange when I was a kid all I wanted to do was grow up and get the hell out of there and now that I'm an adult all I want is to rewind and become a child again. One can never win. Ahhhh! My mom and I got into an argument a while back when I was staying with my gramma. She was all upset and awkward and stressed out about Justin and I breaking up and me being a basket case. She can't handle all that stress and I was mad at her. Because she is my mother and when I'm hurt and broken she should be there to hold me and comfort me no matter what because she is my mother and I need her strength even if I am different than her. I am a very passionate, emotional, and quick to act person. I will get upset about something and I will get so worked up about it I will puke, or start shaking, or get super mad and break shit, or just drive aimlessly. I cannot sit still and a get all antsy and make myself so full of anxiety that I don't know what to do. My mom hates that. She is a calm bird when it comes to herself. She holds it all in and is never dramatic...unless my dad is around then she is the queen of complaints. So we butt heads alot. I'm passionate and a hot mess and she is calm, cool, and collected. Opposites do not always attract. lol. I told her my biggest fear was that it feels like my family doesn't need me. Like its a family of 4 and not 5. I mean I get it I moved out 4 years ago so they have a different life now and blah blah blah I get that but I still feel left out and sad. She basically told me well your right it is a 4 person family. I flipped out and was like why would you even say that, how could you say that? She is always so blunt and just short. Not in person but over the phone and email I always think she is mad at me. She doesn't answer my questions and it just seems like she doesn't want to talk to me. I invited her over a ton and she finally came over for a little bit the other day. I know she doesn't like old houses but mine isn't yucky so idk why she acts so funny. I keep the living room nice and clean. Who knows, she has become really spoiled in life and I think she forgets where she came from sometimes...or more like she doesn't let herself think about that or remember. My gramma thinks that I remind her of herself too much and she doesn't like being reminded of her past so she shuts me out. Or better yet she herself shuts down and just can't bring herself to remember her shit so she can't handle mine. And now when I'm quiet she thinks I'm standoffish and mad at her. I can't find the middle it seems like, but my dad and gramma just tell me to communicate, be nice, and keep trying. I just want a good relationship with my mom. I never have had a good relationship with her. We have always been on each other's bad side and it sucks because she's my mommy.
Other than all that boring work and depression talk I'm doing alright. Justin and I are back together now. Its been going pretty well. All I can say is the months of may and june were terrible. May I lived with my gramma. I love them to death but I like my own space too. I felt like I was imposing there too. No one understood how hard it was being apart from Justin. I'm attached to him like no other. I couldn't eat or sleep or do anything. I was just a zombie like sleeeping basket case. It sucked. He also cheated on me during the month of may. He claims it was only a kiss and I'd like to say I believe that. I do. But my mind does wander. He isn't 15 anymore and he's a very sexual person so I don't see him just kissing a girl. I accidently found out but I am still so upset about it. He claims that since I cheated way worse its not a big deal. But to me it was and still is. I seriously want to beat the shit out of this chick but I wont get the chance. But if she comes back to applebees he is quitting or I'm knocking her the eff out. I messaged her on Facebook to leave us alone and Justin was so mad at me. She never even responded but she continued to talk to him all the time. So I told her off again not so nicely but still not like a crazy freak this time. I also was mad because for his birthday he left at about 2pm to go drink with Fallon a girl from his work and I didnot know about allison at this time so I was like fine whatever asshole its your bday so have a blast. I made a cake and dinner and he didn't eat any of it. He didn't come home until 4am the next day. I find out hes lying to me about where he's going, he's not where he says he's going to be, he's not with who he says he's going to be with, and he's in Rapids with Fallon. She is an alcoholic slut why in the hell would I want him out with her? Then I read text messages later about them wanting to sleep together and being attracted to each other and taking pictures together and all that. It upset me so much and still does. And him doing all this has me thinking of Juan and what all I did too. I haven't forgotten but it doesn't haunt me as much. -sigh-
When will life calm down?
