I have come to the brink of despair. Jasmine, a happy, smiling, girl has disintergrated to a shell of the girl she used to be. Every day I get up and think to myself...maybe today will be different. It never is. I am alone, alone with my decisions, choices, past, and mistakes. I have no regrets. I made choices that have made me a stronger person. I let a lot of me go. Peices of my heart belong to so many different people. I am a silly girl. I thought I was stronger. I never thought I would be the girl who was desperate. I never thought that I would be the girl who gave her virginity away just like that. I wanted to be the perfect daughter. I failed. I am a failure. Its hard living everyday knowing you let your parents, friends, pastors, and family down. Its so hard.
I believe in forgivness. I really do. I know I am forgiven. I know that my family still loves me. I know God has forgiven me. But, the sad part is if I could go back I would make the same mistakes over again. Today if he walked back into my life I'd do it again. That is how weak I am. I am so desperate to feel loved, wanted, and needed I'm willing to put myself through hell for about an hour of happiness. Its sad. I know its sad. I wish I was different. Why isn't my fathers love enough for me? Why can't I let God fill me up? Why do I constantly do the things I know that will hurt me? Why do I give into Satan's lies? I don't have the answers.
But, everday I go through life moment by moment. I don't try to look back and I don't try to look ahead. What is going on right now is all that I can handle. And, I don't know how much more I can take. Losing my best friend has really taken a toll on me. My aunt going crazy on me, and turning our families against each other, we've had to take sides. Its sad and its my fault. If it wasn't for me then everything would be fine. I know life will get better. But, I need to find myself...and I can't seem to. I find things and people to fill me up. I want God to fill me up, but I'm not willing to let Him have all of me. I love earthly, wordly things. Boys that i know are bad are the ones I'm attracted to and they are the ones that are attracted to me. I love rap music. I watch bad movies. I swear like a salior, I lie, I cheat, I steal. I am dirty, and I have bad motives all the time. What is wrong with me? I can't seem to figure it out.
