So much has happened.

I'm not sure who I am anymore or what I believe in, or what I want from life. I've been raised in a Christian enviroment and I know right from wrong but I still feel like I'm in a mess. Let me just write what my life includes right now. I go to school, and struggle in my classes. I'm scared I'll even fail some. Its so hard to focus on my school with everything that is going on. I have so many classes with so much work to do in them all! It's really frustrating. I am still working at Burger King, a lot of times I work late every night of the weekend. That is really irritating because I want to go out and do stuff on the weekend. I work at IGA during the week too. I also teach piano on Wednesday mornings. My friendship status is odd. Bryanna, Kaitlyn, and Kassie do not like me anymore and we are not friends at all. We do not talk and we won't ever again. Each of them have their own reasons, and some of them are true. Some of their reasons are ridiculous though. Bryanna doesn't want to sit back and watch me make dumb choices, Kassie thinks I just use them. Kaitlyn thinks I try to boss everyone else around. Me? Ha. I'm sick of being with weirdos. I love them and miss them so much but we have nothing in common anymore. We used to but now we've all gone our own ways. Bryanna is 20 and still lives at home, barley working, dropped out of school, and just sits on the computer talking to some weird boyfriend from holland. Kassie is babysitting like crazy, and not doing anything else. She is going somewhere with her life though. She wants to a missionary. That is good. But everytime we talk she trys to stuff some religious mumbo jumbo down my throat. Kaitlyn is basically the mom of her family, and runs a business. But she is always kinda off too. I think those three should just become a lesbian threesome. They are always touching each other's boobs and doing freaky shit like that. I miss our friendships tho, because they were three people that I could be 100% myself with. There was no hiding my feelings really. I mean I always did think it was weird to sit on our laptops and not do shit and I always felt like they wanted me to be just like them and if I wasn't then I was out. And, I guess I was right. I asked them to respect me whether they approve of my life or not. None of them could. So, we are done. Its so sad and its so hard to deal with. I've had to make new friends. So, I've made friends with people at work. Dana and Kaitlyn basically. Kaitlyn introduced me to a guy named James. That was a while ago. We webt on a date and it was honestly, the best date I have ever been on. Ever. I fell for him immediatly. He's a sweetheart, a gentleman, he makes me feel safe, he treated me so good. I felt good about myself, and liked him so much. We'd hung out a bunch of times and I wanted to know what we were. Because we acted like a couple but I wasn't sure. He finally asked me to be his girl November 24. I was so happy! My heart was going to burst. I was looking forward to building a relatinship with him. We didn't know each other that well but I thought we were going to get to know each other. I thought we were going to make a really good couple. But, we broke up. He told me we barley saw each other, and he had personal shyt to deal with. I respect that. I asked him if he really wanted to give up that easy. He said yeah, we should just be friends. I miss him so much! I want to be his girl really bad. I've never been treated that good before. He was so tender and nice. Like when we'd go to sleep he'd just squeeze me and rub my back. It was so nice. He'd kiss the back of my neck and all these touching things. I miss our relationship so much. I know it was a little weird because we were getting to know each other but I thought we were going to contiue to get to know each other. I just don't understand. I feel like there is something wrong with me. Guys think I'm hot, and they like me. They check me out, they call me pretty and they flirt with me, but once we get a little more serious they leave. I know I have problems communicating, and I get really self-concioius, I don't like to let people down so I'm always worried about that. I want things to just work out. I think I get too worked up, and over analyze things. I have no self confidence. I pretend but I think guys can tell that I feel self-concious and they don't know what to do. I just feel so bad because I think of James and his personality and his life and I see myself in it. I really want to talk to him. I saw him last night in the t hood for the first time since he broke up with me. I walked in, looked right at him, and said hey. All he said back was hey. Kaitlyn said his face was pure shock. Ha. Then I continued to drink and hang out and what not then I felt like I was going to pass out and told Jenny. After that I don't remember anything. I know I went to go sit down but I woke up on the couch to B right in my face. I passed out. Yeah, I feel like a fool. A loser. Like, who shows up at a party, still the new girl and passes out? I wasn't that fucked up. I had a big coffee cup of vodka and coke, and I smoked a ton that day but I shouldn't of passed out. I don't know what happened. Either way I felt retarted. Kaitlyn told me James freaked out. Like he jumped off the couch. I don't know how I feel about that. I am imagining if we were still dating and that happend. He would have been all worried about me, and been by my side, and taken me home. But it wasn't like that. fuck. I sent him a facebook message telling him I wanted to be back with him and we should just get to know each other more and try again. He hasn't responded yet. I'm not sure if that was a smart thing to do or not. I might of just made it worse. -_- I guess we'll just have to see what happens. I felt better about it before. Like, I thought well its for the better. I don't need him and shouldn't want him. He smokes a lot and our famillies lifstyles are so different. But, when I hang out with kaitlyn or dana, its like wtf. I used to date james. He was kinda like my in. I want to be with him. I can't keep hanging out with all those people and seeing him and not have him. We have all the same friends. -sigh- I feel such despair. I feel so alone. Lost. Like, I don't belong anywhere. I want to belong to someone. I don't want to be alone. I'm scared. I know  someday I'll fall in love and I know there are more than one guy out there. I know but I want James. I've made a bunch of mistakes in the past couple of months. Besides becoming a pothead and smokin cigs like crazy, and drinking I have had sex two more times. Not fully, hardcore sex but the just a little bit kind. But, I still count it. Once with a guy who was basically a compelete stranger. And the other time with James Stenze. Yeah. I'm quite proud of that. Ive had a crush on him since I was 13. This was a dream come true. I used Stenze tho. He was my rebound from James. I missed James so much that I just called up stenze knowing full well what was going to happen. But, yeah my life is a mess sort of. I'm really depressed and slacking. I'm not sure how to get better either. I'm running from God and I know thats why I feel so bad. But, I don't want to be all God's either. I'm all confused. And, I miss James.