A stranger for too long.

It has been a very long time since the last time I posted anything. I suppose you could say I have been afraid to actually put any of my thoughts, feelings, or fears into actual physical evidence. I do not have any close friends. No one to talk to about things that worry me, events in life that cause stress, or situations of joy. I really don't share my emotions, feelings, or thoughts with any one. I used to be such a people person; when I say people person I mean someone who enjoys people and spending time with people. At this point in my life I do not even like leaving my home. Going out to a friends house or getting together for lunch with an old friend is a terrifying thing for me. Sounds odd but its true. Its not like I'm scared to do things, because when I force myself out of my comfort zone and do things with people I am friendly and have a good time.

I have used my apperance to shape who I am. I look some what unorthodox and uncanny but I enjoy that. I love being different from everyone else. Adding my own flavor to life is something I really enjoy. I shaved the side of my head to shock people. I've always had long, curly, blonde hair that people compliment. I in the spur of the moment decided to shave the side of my head, inspired by Elli Goulding. I love having my hair styled like this. I chopped myself straight bangs. They do not look to bad but they need to be fixed I know that much. I always am switching up my apperance and hair. I tend to get bored with one style or color for too long, but I always loop back to blonde. Trying red again was a good and bad choice. I enjoy the red hair but it faded so fast and now looks terrible. I am having my hair stylist do my hair before my birthday so it will look professional again. I'm going to have her dye the bottom part dark brown and weave dark brown, a greyish brown, and blonde into my hair with highlights. We can utilize the red that is already in there. Hopefully this time I will be satisfied. The last time I got my hair done I loved it but it wasn't what I had imagined. Getting hair done professionally is so expensive but I love perfectly styled hair. I really do. I kind of hold my hair as one of my prized features. It can be straight, or curly, or wavy, or beachy, its very versitile and I enjoy that quite a bit.

Another way I have shaped myself with my apperance is through my piercings. Some people don't like piercings. Some people say less is more. I tend to really enjoy my piercings. By getting them it is just another way that I make myself look un-ordinary and I guess a lack of a better term, strange. I have been called "the crazy bitch" enough times to know that people view me as someone who is a little off in the head. It bothers me sometimes, not all the time but it still gets to me. I'm a person who is depressed. I battle depression like someone would battle a cold. Its an illness that drags me down constantly. Some days are easier than others and some days its not an issue at all. But, it has been passed down from my grandmother to my mother to me. I take medication for it...when I remember to, I'm not so bad at remembering but I do forget sometimes. I also see Erin, my counselor. I haven't seen her for I guess its 2 months now. I should really make an appointment. It helps to talk to some one who is unrelated to my issues. I can be 100% honest with her and not worry about what she thinks or who she is going to tell. I'm...well my parents, are paying her to listen to me and talk with me. She does help I just don't like driving there on my days off. I only get weekends off now.

I got a new job as a temp at Travel Guard selling travel insurance. I answer travel agents questions along with random people who are traveling also. I edit policies, and set policies up and set up quotes. Its pretty exciting. The days are slow so far. With quite a bit of time inbetween calls. At Lands End it was call back to back to back. I like travel guard better because there is a larger variety of calls coming in. I never know what the caller is going to need me to assist them with. At LE it was always the same reason a caller would call and it got very old and boring!

Other than working, sleeping, and laying around being moody I havn't done much. It was the 4th of July yesterday. I felt like shit and was tired all day. I went to my parent's house for dinner and we had grilled chicken and pineapple kabobs on the grill over rice. It was very good. I always have a good time at my parent's house. We had a bonfire and the boys set off some fireworks for us. It was fun but I've been so tired lately everything exhausts me it seems. I left their house slightly depressed. My family is going on a road trip to South Dakota and are doing all sorts of fun things. When I was younger we never did anything like that. That is not why I am depressed though. I'm not jealouse of money or that they have more opportunities now. Thats how it goes. The oldest kid has the harder life because the parents are young, and poor and have no clue what they are doing. Now with my brothers they are stable and have money and can do so much more. Thats just how life is so I'm fine with that. I guess I just get depressed when I know they are on family trips and I'm not invited or there. I know when you grow up you leave home and make a life of your own but I don't have children or this life of my own. I have a boyfriend and a job. I dont do much of anything at all. Life is strange when I was a kid all I wanted to do was grow up and get the hell out of there and now that I'm an adult all I want is to rewind and become a child again. One can never win. Ahhhh! My mom and I got into an argument a while back when I was staying with my gramma. She was all upset and awkward and stressed out about Justin and I breaking up and me being a basket case. She can't handle all that stress and I was mad at her. Because she is my mother and when I'm hurt and broken she should be there to hold me and comfort me no matter what because she is my mother and I need her strength even if I am different than her. I am a very passionate, emotional, and quick to act person. I will get upset about something and I will get so worked up about it I will puke, or start shaking, or get super mad and break shit, or just drive aimlessly. I cannot sit still and a get all antsy and make myself so full of anxiety that I don't know what to do. My mom hates that. She is a calm bird when it comes to herself. She holds it all in and is never dramatic...unless my dad is around then she is the queen of complaints. So we butt heads alot. I'm passionate and a hot mess and she is calm, cool, and collected. Opposites do not always attract. lol. I told her my biggest fear was that it feels like my family doesn't need me. Like its a family of 4 and not 5. I mean I get it I moved out 4 years ago so they have a different life now and blah blah blah I get that but I still feel left out and sad. She basically told me well your right it is a 4 person family. I flipped out and was like why would you even say that, how could you say that? She is always so blunt and just short. Not in person but over the phone and email I always think she is mad at me. She doesn't answer my questions and it just seems like she doesn't want to talk to me. I invited her over a ton and she finally came over for a little bit the other day. I know she doesn't like old houses but mine isn't yucky so idk why she acts so funny. I keep the living room nice and clean. Who knows, she has become really spoiled in life and I think she forgets where she came from sometimes...or more like she doesn't let herself think about that or remember. My gramma thinks that I remind her of herself too much and she doesn't like being reminded of her past so she shuts me out. Or better yet she herself shuts down and just can't bring herself to remember her shit so she can't handle mine. And now when I'm quiet she thinks I'm standoffish and mad at her. I can't find the middle it seems like, but my dad and gramma just tell me to communicate, be nice, and keep trying. I just want a good relationship with my mom. I never have had a good relationship with her. We have always been on each other's bad side and it sucks because she's my mommy.

Other than all that boring work and depression talk I'm doing alright. Justin and I are back together now. Its been going pretty well. All I can say is the months of may and june were terrible. May I lived with my gramma. I love them to death but I like my own space too. I felt like I was imposing there too. No one understood how hard it was being apart from Justin. I'm attached to him like no other. I couldn't eat or sleep or do anything. I was just a zombie like sleeeping basket case. It sucked. He also cheated on me during the month of may. He claims it was only a kiss and I'd like to say I believe that. I do. But my mind does wander. He isn't 15 anymore and he's a very sexual person so I don't see him just kissing a girl. I accidently found out but I am still so upset about it. He claims that since I cheated way worse its not a big deal. But to me it was and still is. I seriously want to beat the shit out of this chick but I wont get the chance. But if she comes back to applebees he is quitting or I'm knocking her the eff out. I messaged her on Facebook to leave us alone and Justin was so mad at me. She never even responded but she continued to talk to him all the time. So I told her off again not so nicely but still not like a crazy freak this time. I also was mad because for his birthday he left at about 2pm to go drink with Fallon a girl from his work and I didnot know about allison at this time so I was like fine whatever asshole its your bday so have a blast. I made a cake and dinner and he didn't eat any of it. He didn't come home until 4am the next day. I find out hes lying to me about where he's going, he's not where he says he's going to be, he's not with who he says he's going to be with, and he's in Rapids with Fallon. She is an alcoholic slut why in the hell would I want him out with her? Then I read text messages later about them wanting to sleep together and being attracted to each other and taking pictures together and all that. It upset me so much and still does. And him doing all this has me thinking of Juan and what all I did too. I haven't forgotten but it doesn't haunt me as much. -sigh-
When will life calm down?

So much has happened.

I'm not sure who I am anymore or what I believe in, or what I want from life. I've been raised in a Christian enviroment and I know right from wrong but I still feel like I'm in a mess. Let me just write what my life includes right now. I go to school, and struggle in my classes. I'm scared I'll even fail some. Its so hard to focus on my school with everything that is going on. I have so many classes with so much work to do in them all! It's really frustrating. I am still working at Burger King, a lot of times I work late every night of the weekend. That is really irritating because I want to go out and do stuff on the weekend. I work at IGA during the week too. I also teach piano on Wednesday mornings. My friendship status is odd. Bryanna, Kaitlyn, and Kassie do not like me anymore and we are not friends at all. We do not talk and we won't ever again. Each of them have their own reasons, and some of them are true. Some of their reasons are ridiculous though. Bryanna doesn't want to sit back and watch me make dumb choices, Kassie thinks I just use them. Kaitlyn thinks I try to boss everyone else around. Me? Ha. I'm sick of being with weirdos. I love them and miss them so much but we have nothing in common anymore. We used to but now we've all gone our own ways. Bryanna is 20 and still lives at home, barley working, dropped out of school, and just sits on the computer talking to some weird boyfriend from holland. Kassie is babysitting like crazy, and not doing anything else. She is going somewhere with her life though. She wants to a missionary. That is good. But everytime we talk she trys to stuff some religious mumbo jumbo down my throat. Kaitlyn is basically the mom of her family, and runs a business. But she is always kinda off too. I think those three should just become a lesbian threesome. They are always touching each other's boobs and doing freaky shit like that. I miss our friendships tho, because they were three people that I could be 100% myself with. There was no hiding my feelings really. I mean I always did think it was weird to sit on our laptops and not do shit and I always felt like they wanted me to be just like them and if I wasn't then I was out. And, I guess I was right. I asked them to respect me whether they approve of my life or not. None of them could. So, we are done. Its so sad and its so hard to deal with. I've had to make new friends. So, I've made friends with people at work. Dana and Kaitlyn basically. Kaitlyn introduced me to a guy named James. That was a while ago. We webt on a date and it was honestly, the best date I have ever been on. Ever. I fell for him immediatly. He's a sweetheart, a gentleman, he makes me feel safe, he treated me so good. I felt good about myself, and liked him so much. We'd hung out a bunch of times and I wanted to know what we were. Because we acted like a couple but I wasn't sure. He finally asked me to be his girl November 24. I was so happy! My heart was going to burst. I was looking forward to building a relatinship with him. We didn't know each other that well but I thought we were going to get to know each other. I thought we were going to make a really good couple. But, we broke up. He told me we barley saw each other, and he had personal shyt to deal with. I respect that. I asked him if he really wanted to give up that easy. He said yeah, we should just be friends. I miss him so much! I want to be his girl really bad. I've never been treated that good before. He was so tender and nice. Like when we'd go to sleep he'd just squeeze me and rub my back. It was so nice. He'd kiss the back of my neck and all these touching things. I miss our relationship so much. I know it was a little weird because we were getting to know each other but I thought we were going to contiue to get to know each other. I just don't understand. I feel like there is something wrong with me. Guys think I'm hot, and they like me. They check me out, they call me pretty and they flirt with me, but once we get a little more serious they leave. I know I have problems communicating, and I get really self-concioius, I don't like to let people down so I'm always worried about that. I want things to just work out. I think I get too worked up, and over analyze things. I have no self confidence. I pretend but I think guys can tell that I feel self-concious and they don't know what to do. I just feel so bad because I think of James and his personality and his life and I see myself in it. I really want to talk to him. I saw him last night in the t hood for the first time since he broke up with me. I walked in, looked right at him, and said hey. All he said back was hey. Kaitlyn said his face was pure shock. Ha. Then I continued to drink and hang out and what not then I felt like I was going to pass out and told Jenny. After that I don't remember anything. I know I went to go sit down but I woke up on the couch to B right in my face. I passed out. Yeah, I feel like a fool. A loser. Like, who shows up at a party, still the new girl and passes out? I wasn't that fucked up. I had a big coffee cup of vodka and coke, and I smoked a ton that day but I shouldn't of passed out. I don't know what happened. Either way I felt retarted. Kaitlyn told me James freaked out. Like he jumped off the couch. I don't know how I feel about that. I am imagining if we were still dating and that happend. He would have been all worried about me, and been by my side, and taken me home. But it wasn't like that. fuck. I sent him a facebook message telling him I wanted to be back with him and we should just get to know each other more and try again. He hasn't responded yet. I'm not sure if that was a smart thing to do or not. I might of just made it worse. -_- I guess we'll just have to see what happens. I felt better about it before. Like, I thought well its for the better. I don't need him and shouldn't want him. He smokes a lot and our famillies lifstyles are so different. But, when I hang out with kaitlyn or dana, its like wtf. I used to date james. He was kinda like my in. I want to be with him. I can't keep hanging out with all those people and seeing him and not have him. We have all the same friends. -sigh- I feel such despair. I feel so alone. Lost. Like, I don't belong anywhere. I want to belong to someone. I don't want to be alone. I'm scared. I know  someday I'll fall in love and I know there are more than one guy out there. I know but I want James. I've made a bunch of mistakes in the past couple of months. Besides becoming a pothead and smokin cigs like crazy, and drinking I have had sex two more times. Not fully, hardcore sex but the just a little bit kind. But, I still count it. Once with a guy who was basically a compelete stranger. And the other time with James Stenze. Yeah. I'm quite proud of that. Ive had a crush on him since I was 13. This was a dream come true. I used Stenze tho. He was my rebound from James. I missed James so much that I just called up stenze knowing full well what was going to happen. But, yeah my life is a mess sort of. I'm really depressed and slacking. I'm not sure how to get better either. I'm running from God and I know thats why I feel so bad. But, I don't want to be all God's either. I'm all confused. And, I miss James.

The same old day after day

Alright. Here is the skinny. I am blind, not physically but mentally I think. I always over analyz things and over think things. I tend to focus on what COULD potentially go wrong instead of what IS going right. I want my life to be just so and when things interfere with my plans I freak. I actually don't even have "plans" I guess you could say. I just try to live day to day. But, I know I should be living everyday for God. That is a thing I am still trying to grasp and do. I have a past and it haunts me everyday. Every damn day. I know God forgives, I know my parents forgave me. I know that no one hates me. I know that I'm not being judged and that I am still loved. But, yet I still feel this sort of pull on me. Like, I'm not good enoug. Like, I made mistakes and people remember them and think less of me. I just don't understand. The other day my gramma and mom and I did our annual Christmas shopping (without Connie and Tess) and we had sooooooooooooo much fun. It was a huge blast. I felt like I was with my bestfriends. It was great. It was the most fun I've had in a very, very, very long time. When we were driving home I just kept thinking usually me and mom get out of the car and gramma leaves. This year it was mom just gets out of the car, and leaves. I wish with all my heart that I would have never rebelled sometimes. I could still be living with my parents. I wouldn't feel these un-worthy feelings. On the other hand I am so gratefull for that rebellious stage. Even though it hurt me and my family we are so much closer now. I actually tell my mom things and talk to her. Like I told her about Dillon, and the people at work who want to party with me, I even told her about James. I knew she wouldn't approve but I don't want to live with secrets like before so I told her. I would have never in one hundred years have done that before. I just wouldn't have told her so she wouldn't ask questions and get all worried, and then I'd get pissed, and we'd fight and then I'd get in  trouble. This way she knows what is going on and I have to be honest. A life full of lies and deciet is so hectic. I did it for a long time, it gets tiring and old after a while.

Anyways, back to being blind. I don't know why I always feel un-worthy. I grew up with a loving father. I was always told I was beautiful...but for some reason I don't believe it. My past relationships really haunt me. One boy molded my mindset. Travis. Growing up with him, and always "loving" him was un-healthy. He was always so mean, he played games with me. He knew how I felt about him and he used that against me. I was hurt day after day. He told me I was stupid, and he always told me I would never be able to do things, like pass tests, or play good in basketball games, or even pass my drivers test. Who was he to say those things to me? But, yet my young, impressionable mind believed every word he said. I started to believe those things were true and day after day I would strive to impress him. To get a smile out of him, or an encouraging word. It was very rare but I remember the times he was "nice" to me. I remember all of them. I can basically  count them on one hand. That is sad. But, I let him control me. So, in relationships I tend to think like that. I always dismiss bad things guys do and think everything is okay. I treasure the good times so much the bad just disappear. I let them walk all over me, and I never feel truly beautiful. But, on the other hand...here is why I think I am blind.

I always have boys in my life. Always. I look back at the past year to today and there wasn't a time where I wasn't in a "relationship", having a thing, or a guy would really like me and I'd like him. I think back to Ryan, Andy, Zach, Aaron, Austin, Kevin, Dillon, Tyler, Brock, Peter, all sorts of them. Some guys I'd like back, and others just liked me. But, it is always like that. There is some guy who likes me. I like some guy. I have a thing, or we flirt a lot. I mean why would people at work always make fun of me about guys who ask for my number. That doesn't happen to everyone. I know I'm attractive and nice but I gues I, in my heart, can't believe it. I want to be treated well and I want a good boy friend but I settle for whatever comes my way just to feel "loved". Its sad but true.

Butterflies

So, I've met a nice boy. He's taller than me by quite a lot. He has blonde hair, cut all cool. He is really polite, and sweet. I like him. We have math class together. But, the funny thing is...we have never really talked in math class. His friend Ryan, got my number for him and Ryan told me that Dillon had a "thing for me"...whatever that means. So I guess he thinks I'm pretty or hot or whatever. So yeah...then Dillon texted me and we've been texting ever since. Last night he came over and we chilled and watched a movie. Its odd, because we like don't know each other all that well...and we have nothing in common yet to talk about. We have like no inside jokes, and we don't know each other's families or friends. That sort of thing. I mean, I didn't find it too awkward. It just was like okay, I know he likes me...I'm deciding if I like him...and here he is in my bed. My thoughts were should we cuddle...do I hug him? Will he like me after we hang out? Am I being normal? I just want this to work out I guess. I like him...and he liked me. But, you know how it is after you hang out with someone you kinda decide wether you like them or not for real. Like a crush on someone because they are cute doesn't mean you like them. I guess...I'm just looking for a relationship so I hope this works out. He's tall, polite, nice, cute, and yeah...We'll see where it goes. I think it is my turn to be like aww I like you and had a good time last night. :) or something. HHHHHMMMMPHHHH.

Generalizing.

Tonight I watched shows about losing weight. Every time I think about losing weight, or hear stories I think I need to lose weight. I have never been anorexic or anything but I sometimes get obsessed with the idea of losing weight. I want to be fit. I know that I am not fat. I know that am fine the way I am, but I weight 150. That seems like so much. Its almost 200! I want to weigh in the 120s. I know that I am really tall, I have a big, nice, bubble butt, and I have a curvy shape. I can't weigh a little amount it wouldn't make sense. During my Junior year of highschool I was very healthy. I ate yogurt and granola, lots of fruit, little portions, no candy, no soda, and I made lots of healthy smoothies. I'm not sure what changed but I fell back into old habits. I started eating lots of candy and drinking soda again. I know I'm skinny and guys like me so I don't really worry about my weight that much. But, I long to be fit and trim. I want to be toned! I want nice muscles. I want arms that don't have flab. I want a tight ass. I want thighs that aren't soft. I want muscular thighs, a tight ass, and abs. I know I can get them. I need to start eating better. I need to stop eating so much sugar. I know that people associate me with candy. Jasmine loves candy. I mean I always have some with me. Jelly Bellys, Starburts, Skittles, you name it. I always have something with me. So I just started eating a lot of it and always having it to please others I guess. I also work at Burger King so its hard not to drink soda and eat the food. Its free so why not? I guess its a bad habit I need to be strong and not give in!

I've been really struggling with feeling ugly latley. I feel like I intimidate  guys. They never tell me I'm pretty or beautiful. Some do. The ones that really know me do. Its like guys who kinda know me just say crude things about me and to me. They don't know how to approach me my gma says. She says I'm so pretty they feel dumb like they'll say the wrong thing! Its not true. I am one of the easiest people to please and get a long with. I am also  feeling really down because the guy I like...Tyler...doesn't seem to notice me very much. Jeeze the only reason I look cute at work is for him. I want him to tell me I'm pretty and that he like me. THAT is what I want. It would make me so happy.

A feeling I haven't felt in a while

His name is Tyler. I like him...A LOT. I legitly like him so much. Its not just a ohhh he's cute or he's hot. It's the whole I like his smile, I like his hands, I like his personality, I like his laugh, I like is sense of humor. I like who he is. He's taller than me. He's cute, he's muscular, he has veiny hands...just like I like...he makes me laugh. Like really laugh. I can make all my stupid jokes in front of him and I don't even feel dumb. I can make mistakes and I don't feel like a retard. He encourages me. I love working with him. I love when he makes me smile or when he smiles at me. I don't know. I just like him. I mean i've like other guys before but this feels different. I suppose its so different than the last two relationships I've had that I don't know what to do. The past two were all about sex and what not and this would be real so I'm scared. The last person I've opened up to and shared with went really badly so that is such an issue for me! I want to talk to him so bad. But, I'm scared he'll be like uhhh no, I don't like you Jasmine. I feel like he does tho. Like, when we were together the time passes so fast. I feel like we flirt...it seems like hardcore flirting too. At least I'm flirting a lot. Like I don't always feel this much attraction towards one person. I'm not sure what to do. The hard part is that in the summer I said I like him...in a round about way...and he told me he liked me too...

It kinda went like this...: Tyler - no cute girls ever like me.
me- I know a cute girl who likes you.
tyler- who? do I know her?
me- I think so. She's tall, about 5'9 (we'd just talked about my height) and blonde.
tyler- I think I like her too.

So we told each other we liked each other in a round about way. After that we'd text a lot, and we went to the beach once. He told me I was pretty on facebook, and sent me messages. We talked a lot. After going to the beach we had a lot in common we found out. It was not awkward and we both had fun. He texted me right away after saying how much fun he had and next time we'd swim in his pool. But after a while he didn't text me back when I'd text him, and we just kinda stopped talking. I recently told him he was terrible cuz he never texted me back. He said I'm sorry I work all the time! I know he does so I guess its okay. But I don't want to be like I always am. I just pretened I'm not upset, I didn't this time. So yeah. I'm a little confused. I mean if he really liked me too wouldn't he text me and ask me to do more stuff? I'm not sure. I know he's so busy with school and work. I'll cut him some slack. LOL.

But I really want to see how he's feeling. Or ask if he likes me still? Or I wana be like sooooo, yeah ummm...tyler? I still like you. eeeep. I would just smile and be all awkward and what not. But I need to know. I don't want to feel like this for no reason. Either way I'll be fine. I mean I like him a whole lot and would love to be his girl...but if not then that's okay too.

I told dana about it and she is going to bring it up to him. -sigh- I need to grow a pair.

The pull of good and evil

Okay, I just want to sit here and blog about my father. I know it seems like I have some obsession with him, and maybe I do. I'm not sure. I have always been a daddy's girl. I love him so much. Like, I hate dissapointing my dad. I always want his approval. Any football team he likes, I like. Music he likes I like too. I just want to be like him I guess. Actually I want to marry someone like my dad. He is an amazing person. I mean who grows up without parents, does tons of drugs, parties, has a kid before graduating and rises above? The majority of people donot. My father did! He graduating, went to school, worked to support my mom and me...he changed his whole lifestyle. That is hard but he did it! He gave up his crazy life for me I guess you could say. Sometimes I feel like a mistake child. Like, my parents didn't want to get pregnant so I'm their mistake. They HAD to take care of me. I guess they didn't really have to. My mom could of had an abortion. They could of given me up for adoption. Yet, they chose to keep me. I'm grateful. Sometimes I think how different my life would be if they weren't my parents. I would be a totally different person! My dad wasn't raised a Christian, but now he is a strong Christian. I have seen my dad grow so much in his relationship with God so much, even this past year. He goes to mens Bible study, he gets up and reads the Bible in the morning, when he prays it sounds different and heartful. He is a strong man. Now, I know my dad isn't perfect. I know that he has emotional issues, and stuff but I respect him even more for that.
Having your parents die like they did must have been traumatic. I would be devestated. But, he overcomes that everyday! I know he and my mom argue a lot, and he can get so crabby and mean but he's human. I love him very much.

And, That hardest part of getting asked to leave my house because well...frankly I made out with guys, I got fingered, I gave blowjobs, I snuck out of Church, I didn't let my parents into my life, I was sneaky, I technically had sex. I became someone I never thought I would be. I let myself wallow in my mistakes and shortcomings. I let my circumstances define who I was. I thought well, I'm not measuring up, I never will so I'm going to give up. When I left God, and tried living on my own look what I did! I started hooking up with guys. I mean I'm not against fooling around with guys, its just strange that when I was doing rocky with God and struggling with my faith that these boys walked into my life. I was doing good in the beginning of the year. I was on fire for God, I was determine to do good. I was excited for Bible study (D-group) and Youth Group. I was happy to be singing on Worship Team and playing piano for yg and Sunday Church. I wanted to take part in volunteering. I wanted to write letters for compassion, I wanted to set an example for the younger kids. I wanted to counsel younger kids. I wanted to be good. I didn't want to drink, or smoke, and doing stuff with guys wasn't even on my mind. But, when I started doing the Bible study "Crazy Love" and felt so convicted I started to falter. And, then when I started hooking up with Ryan again, and eventually met Zach and really hooked up hardcore with him all the time is when I started feeling guilty. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I was doing bad with God. So, naturally I walked away from God. I let anything go. I mean, dont get me wrong. I was having a blast. Everything I did I wanted to do. I wanted to hook up. I liked it. I still do. I guess I'm just human.

Satan is so convincing! I mean I knew what I was doing was wrong, I was guilty...I wanted to tell someone so bad. So I told my friends. Wow, what help they were. I really wanted to tell my parents so bad. I got close to telling my dad one time but I knew how upset they would be. I didn't want to deal with that, and when they found out BAM it was terrible. I was shocked. They were shocked. I had been done hooking up with Zach for a while by the time they found out and I was batteling with myself to move on, to give that up. I was doing better and for them it was new news. It was terrible. I really let my parents down. Especially my dad. I mean, whose father wants to find out that their daughter gives wicked blow jobs? Or has been fingered? Or had sex? Not mine. Especially not mine! God has been working in me. He's shown me that what I was doing was wrong. He really convicts me now. Like I know I shouldnt even talk to Zach and yet I try. I'm stupid. I liked what we had. He made me feel good. Physically and Mentally. I really want someone to love me and tell me Im beautiful. Like, I want to belong to someone so bad. But, I know that I don't want a guy who drinks, parties, smokes, cheats, steals, does drugs, all that. I want a good, strong, Christian guy. Why am I so attracted to losers and why do they like me? I know I'm attractive. I'm not going to pretend that I'm not. I have a nice ass, I'm pretty, and I'm really easy to talk to and get along with. I am "one of the guys" I've been told. I can laugh at guy's crude jokes, I can be cute and girly without being annoying. Its really easy to play up being ditsy yet smart. I'm good at it. Lots of smiling and laughing. But yes...I gave up and gave into sin. I was good at it so it felt "right". Whatever that means. But now I am growing up. I'm done with that I guess. My only fear is that if a guy walks into my life and is like Zach I'll do it all over again. Heck I know I will. I want to. I miss it. Like I want to hook up with guys just not have sex. That is my line. -sigh- whether that is wrong or right I don't know. I guess its wrong because we aren't supposed to do imoral sexual things. and we are supposed to think about whatever is true, lovely, and right. Who knows I think its different for each person.

So after explaining all that...it was my dad's bday last week. I made him some collage with all these things on it. They all stoood for something that he means to me or things hes done for me. Then I wrote him a letter saying how much I loved him, and how hard it is letting your father down. I wanted to reassure him that he is the best father anyone could ever ask for. I thanked him for his love and told him he was my hero. It made him cry I'm pretty sure. He said he's going to respond, so I'm hoping he's going to write me a letter back!!!! I'm SO excited. I am working on not being so easy going because guys take that as easy. I'm not easy I just love fun wich gets me into trouble. But yes...this blog is long....and the main point? I AM CHANGING. I'm still not perfect but I like where I am. Feeling this pull of good and evil is good!